The word ‘clearing’ is a term used to work with two or more people who are experiencing difficulty with each other. The ‘clearing’ process is to make more space in the interaction, such that we can begin to separate out what may be triggers from our personal story from the person(s) with whom we have the difficulty.
If we can begin to see these difficulties or triggers as gifts to point us towards our next piece of personal work, they can be very helpful for us. Both parties may need help with their judgemental selves, their superego or inner critic. When people get caught in this state, it narrows their ability to fully see themselves or the other. You may have to begin by helping them to externalise that, whether towards themselves or the other. Then there may be more space to really look at what is going on.
What is required
There are two main requirements for facilitating an effective clearing: awareness and authenticity.
It is important to stay in a neutral position (or notice when you’re not!) – stepping in with an intervention and then stepping back to see what happens next so you don’t get caught in the field. Notice if you start to lose your impartiality as the dialogue continues.
Look at the issue from a field phenomenon perspective i.e. there’s a field surrounding both of the people involved. Something has brought them together. What is it? What is the field they are both embedded in? Even if only one person is claiming to have the problem it’s helpful to approach it as a field: “Together we are in a field of …”
They may need initially just to ‘have a go’ but it’s helpful if you can encourage them into a more spacious place where each can give full listening to the other.
Deep Listening
This means paying attention not only to the words being used, but to the body language, tone of voice, eye contact, spatial relationship to the other. How aware of the other do they seem to be? What are they NOT saying?
Notice your own level of presence and use that as information for what might be happening. Notice if you yourself become angry and again say out aloud you notice you are beginning to feel angry and see what that might free up. Same goes for fear or sadness.
Stop someone talking if they begin to use language, which seems out of proportion to the event being described and see if they can look at the person opposite and separate out what belongs to this person and what is more historical. You may then need to acknowledge the need and come back to the more enduring historical issue at another time.
You may also need to stop them if they are weaving a very elaborate story and there’s too much background information. Help them become succinct with their issue and express their needs clearly.
It’s also helpful to highlight when someone is becoming defensive and see if you can help them come behind their defensiveness and speak more authentically about what’s really going on.
On the other hand, they may need help to express themselves more fully i.e. they’re very angry and that’s not coming across or they feel really hurt and there is no clear indication of that.
If you sense the contact isn’t authentic, you may need to help them by offering the sentence: ‘what I’m not saying is’ or ‘what I’d really like to say is …’
Use a rep for (or ask them to imagine) their mother/father standing behind the person they are confronting and see if they can separate out what belongs to the parental figure rather than the person opposite. Don’t leap to do this too soon as the initial dialogue between these two people is important too, to make more space for clearer communication between them in future.
If it seems to you like the issue points towards the need for a constellation for either or both parties, you can simply highlight that and not go into it there and then, unless you have other people present and/or a contractual agreement for that to happen.
You will see I’ve used the word ‘help’ in many different forms in this paper but do remember we cannot necessarily solve the issue for these two people. Just do what you can and then withdraw.
Barbara